I have learned that one of the hardest things I have to do is keep things to myself that I so desperately want to share, because of the fear of the negative, contrary, responses. The thoughts, opinions & statements that would be said that maybe just maybe may make this thing not happen. This small victory that may finally happen, that I have despaired over, I keep to myself because I know that the minute I say it, the bubble bursts. I know that it won’t be celebrated or encouraged.
I know that it will be scoffed at. I know that something dismissive will be said. I will be reminded of why it didn’t work or last before and how it won’t now.
But what if this will be the time that it happens, that it will stick? I need it to stick. I need it to happen.
I hear what you are saying. I know that it has been true in the past. But God is good and maybe this time it will be different.
Believe me when I tell you, that absolutely nothing that you say to me, I have not already thought of, mulled and agonized over.
But I have prayed for this, fallen to my knees in supplication until I have run empty of words & in desperate silence, I let my tears speak. Have had and have sleepless nights, restless, hoping, and praying for a miracle. And this could be it. And I do not want, by chance, that my prayers are negated by your words. Words have power.
Do you not know that to me any victory however small it is or however temporary it is, is a victory none the less? So I do not want to hear it. I want to savor the anticipation of sweet victory. Of mercy. Finally.
So, I stay silent. Hope in silence. Smile in silence. Cry in silence. Always.