I’m having an extremely tough time this morning. I had a full blown panic attack and for the life of me I couldn’t control myself. Anger, sadness, confusion, helplessness all accosted me at the same time. For the past month or so the signs of depression and anxiety have crept back into my soul. It first started with the twitching of my right eye while at work. I first thought it was eye fatigue since I sit in front of a computer for hours on end, but then I started realizing that my sleeping habits were getting weird. I’m a person that tends to sleep through the night so for me to wake up every night for the past month and not be able to fall back to sleep and when feeling like I was falling asleep being awakened suddenly. Everyday I was waking up with a headache. Noticing this should’ve alerted me to something being wrong but I ignored it. I rarely got headaches let alone while asleep. My stress levels seemed to be going through the roof. But why, was it because I’m tired of my job, the want to be free of debt, the uncertainty of life? These are but a few of the millions of things and scenarios that run through my mind. And unfortunately I don’t have the answers for them, which in turn made me feel like I was failing.
For the first time in my life I’m scared of losing a loved one. I’ve always been conscious of death and never has it scared me. But it’s not death it’s the thought of losing love. My children seem so far to me, not in distance but in love. I feel like I’m not there for them and haven’t been there like I was before. For the first time in forever I felt scared of being alone. My wife went to NY to celebrate her mother’s birthday and mind you she asked me a billion times to go with her and I said no. My grandson Noah who was born in NY on January 24th should’ve been enough of a reason for me to go visit N.Y. but still I said no. After dropping my wife of at the airport and returning home I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. The feeling wasn’t new to me, but I hadn’t felt it since 1992-1993 when I was in college. Those lonely days up in Morrisville, I later on in my life called them the Red Light Days. We had a red light bulb in our dorm room, I can’t say why or how it came to be in our room, but I would use the light bulb on days I was feeling down, which thinking back were a lot of times. I always chalked it up to being away from all I knew then, but now I’m sure it was something deeper. That feeling was so powerful on Friday night. Mind you my Queen has been gone before and there have been many a times where we been away from each other, but even though I knew she would be back by Monday, my thoughts kept me thinking like she was at work and would be home later on that day. I guessed I was missing her but the thoughts kept getting worst. I had scenarios of her no longer being around me. Not death, but more like losing my better half and it felt extremely lonely. It was somewhat surprising because I’ve never felt this before. I always said that if we were no longer together, I would be ok, I’d miss her but I’d be OK. You see I’ve always felt that I wanted my wife, but I didn’t need her. And this still holds true. Life will continue if by chance we are not together, but this time that feeling weighed heavy on my heart. Saturday morning I woke up with vigor for life. I worked out did about 200 push-ups, walked for 2 miles I went to Panera, ate me a Frontega Chicken sandwich and convinced myself to go check out a truck I’ve been eyeing. Mind you this same truck I had already convinced myself that it was unnecessary. I wanted the truck, I didn’t need it. That was another thing. I realized that for the past couple of years, actually 4 years precisely, I’ve been living only on needs, not wants. I rarely treated myself to anything. My clothes are all 4 years or older. I try not to splurge on unnecessary things and a truck was definitely unnecessary. While at the dealer I convinced myself again, hey you don’t need this, so I tell the young lady helping me that I needed to speak with my Queen before deciding. This is true; I don’t like making decisions that affect our money on my own and vice versa. But this truck I’ve wanted to buy since I lost it in my bankruptcy back in 2009. A 2006 Yukon Denali in white, great price, good miles, and well kept, but it wasn’t a need. So I left. I told my wife the reasons for not buying, even though I had her full support, I still left it. Saturday night I barely slept, same thing Sunday night, still something’s not right. Monday I go and pick my love and the kids (daughter and son in law) up at the airport we eat and converse about the truck. My son-in law, who’s a car junkie and a mechanic, says he’ll go with me to check out the truck, so after eating we drive up to see it. He checks it out, says everything is on the up and up except maybe a small oil leak than can be taken care of, so with that being said and the three of them wanting me to be happy I’m convinced I can get the truck. A setback occurs on the monthly payments and of course I back out. I had a specific number and it wasn’t met so I postpone purchasing the truck in lieu of obtaining my monthly price another way and low and behold I get it. Monday night I contact the dealer tell them what I need done and fall asleep with the thoughts of being happy that I’m getting my truck and oh yea my Earth (mother) is coming down to visit, joyous times.
Suddenly I’m jerked out of my sleep by nothing in particular, I checked the time, its 1:37am. I figure I’ll fall back to sleep. Unfortunately my mind had other plans. Every single thought imaginable races through my mind. Am I a good father, I hope my mother is OK, do we have enough money to afford the truck, so on and so on. 4am I feel like I’m falling asleep and again I’m jerked awake. This goes on till finally at 5:49am I sit up because I know my day is about to start in 1 minute. The alarm goes off I routinely check myself into my office (the bathroom) and proceed to my every day schedule. But today Tuesday Feb 6th 2018 is not a regular day. While sitting at my breakfast table, a wave or better yet a tsunami of emotions crashes down on my soul and as my wife is speaking to me, I look at her and utter, “I don’t feel good” and like never before in my life, I have an anxiety/panic attack. My Queen being the God Fearing woman she is begins to pray for me and at times I feel it’s working but the anger, sadness, uncertainty, loneliness, pains all wash over me and as I try to breathe, I feel my throat tightening, tears pouring out of my eyes, my soul slowly leaving me. I couldn’t control myself, shit as I’m writing this sentence my eye well up. Something awful is happening to me and I’m scared.
I know that back in 2014 I struggled with self diagnosed “mild depression”, which I felt was brought on by being unemployed for over a year. But today I don’t know what caused this and I’m struggling to find answers, especially since life has been going “OK”. (this word is another story in itself)
At the moment the Panic is slightly subdued but I’m going to seek help, because I fear it will only get worse in time.